I think so many thoughts and have so many ideas of things I want to write here. Usually, these thinks take place while driving. By the time I make it to my computer, I'm a complete blank.
Do you think this means I'm just getting old? Or is what I have to say so boring even I forget it?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Oops
It just dawned on me that I swore I wasn't going to get too personal this time. I feel myself getting personal.
I'll try to be better.
I'll try to be better.
"These Are Some of the People..." (stealing lyrics)
I was listening to Wendell Lee by Jill Sobule and it made me start thinking of all of the people I've loved before I got here. I guess they all prepared me for being Mrs. San Diego, but I have to admit that some of them are an embarrassment and others I kind of miss! Seriously, I was digging deep here.
I guess you could call me one of those girls who was totally boy crazy. I remember chasing the boys around the schoolyard all the way back in Kindergarten! Or were they chasing me? Not sure... either way, I think it was a real set up for the rest of my life. YIKES. But thinking back there were definitely some significant others in my life who broke my heart, taught me bad habits and changed my life.
I laughed when I remembered being like 14 and head over heels for a younger boy who now I only remember as Vince.... what the heck was his last name??? That was probably my first broken heart when he moved away while I was in the throes of first love. Don't get me wrong, in Jr. High, there was both David, who was really more my friend than anything and who is still my friend today and then Jay... dreamy Jay. I still regret breaking up with that boy. Man, I saw him years later and drooled. But, I had to break up with him just in case he was going to break up with me! I was 12, darn it!
Later, while I pined for Craig, I was stuck with Kevin. Kevin who taught me how to drink beer so that he would drink less and how to fight back. Oh, the bad choices we make... but, what lessons learned for the rest of my life.
Then there was Richard. I knew him since I was 7. At 17, I fell in love with him. At 19 I moved in with him, at 22 I married him and at 24 I divorced him. C'est la vie... Another lesson learned and the beginning of my adulthood, a very wild beginning I might add. I celebrated divorce with four very crazy months and then settled into a new relationship.
Billy was great. We moved in together and I dug his way... looking back it all feels a little phony now, but I thought he was oh so enlightened. He was very different than anyone I had ever been with or around before - he wrote me a poem, damn it! I learned a lot from him. Then he became a girl, so there's that.
There were a few dalliances before That Dan came into the picture. I'm pretty sure, although I can't swear 100%, that what I felt was lust and not love, but there was something there and it was all angsty and emotional. I was angry and hurt from past relationships and thought I was tough as nails and able to have a casual relationship. But he woke something up and made me realize that I wasn't all as damaged as I thought I was. Just in time, too...
Because, then Mr. San Diego started looking interesting. I'd known him for years and became quite good friends, but more??? Scary on so many levels. Who knew he'd be the love of my life, my soul mate and the person that would fit me the best. Don't get me wrong, he has his faults, but marrying him was good for me and good for him and we're awesome together.
So, I guess I have a crazy past, but all of those experiences got me here. Some people have one love their whole life. I have had many. I can't say which is better, but I can say that I like where I am and who I am, so for me... this worked. So, like Jill.... "These are some of the people, that I, I went out with before I met you. These are some of the people that I thought would be the one..."
But it was you.
I guess you could call me one of those girls who was totally boy crazy. I remember chasing the boys around the schoolyard all the way back in Kindergarten! Or were they chasing me? Not sure... either way, I think it was a real set up for the rest of my life. YIKES. But thinking back there were definitely some significant others in my life who broke my heart, taught me bad habits and changed my life.
I laughed when I remembered being like 14 and head over heels for a younger boy who now I only remember as Vince.... what the heck was his last name??? That was probably my first broken heart when he moved away while I was in the throes of first love. Don't get me wrong, in Jr. High, there was both David, who was really more my friend than anything and who is still my friend today and then Jay... dreamy Jay. I still regret breaking up with that boy. Man, I saw him years later and drooled. But, I had to break up with him just in case he was going to break up with me! I was 12, darn it!
Later, while I pined for Craig, I was stuck with Kevin. Kevin who taught me how to drink beer so that he would drink less and how to fight back. Oh, the bad choices we make... but, what lessons learned for the rest of my life.
Then there was Richard. I knew him since I was 7. At 17, I fell in love with him. At 19 I moved in with him, at 22 I married him and at 24 I divorced him. C'est la vie... Another lesson learned and the beginning of my adulthood, a very wild beginning I might add. I celebrated divorce with four very crazy months and then settled into a new relationship.
Billy was great. We moved in together and I dug his way... looking back it all feels a little phony now, but I thought he was oh so enlightened. He was very different than anyone I had ever been with or around before - he wrote me a poem, damn it! I learned a lot from him. Then he became a girl, so there's that.
There were a few dalliances before That Dan came into the picture. I'm pretty sure, although I can't swear 100%, that what I felt was lust and not love, but there was something there and it was all angsty and emotional. I was angry and hurt from past relationships and thought I was tough as nails and able to have a casual relationship. But he woke something up and made me realize that I wasn't all as damaged as I thought I was. Just in time, too...
Because, then Mr. San Diego started looking interesting. I'd known him for years and became quite good friends, but more??? Scary on so many levels. Who knew he'd be the love of my life, my soul mate and the person that would fit me the best. Don't get me wrong, he has his faults, but marrying him was good for me and good for him and we're awesome together.
So, I guess I have a crazy past, but all of those experiences got me here. Some people have one love their whole life. I have had many. I can't say which is better, but I can say that I like where I am and who I am, so for me... this worked. So, like Jill.... "These are some of the people, that I, I went out with before I met you. These are some of the people that I thought would be the one..."
But it was you.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Mama Love
I’m never going to have a daughter. I’m so past the having kids thing in life and
I’m very happy not having kids, but sometimes I think about it. Sometimes I think, “I’m never going to
experience motherhood, never going to have a baby in my belly, never going to
experience the agony of birth and the joy of holding my baby for the first
time”. But, as I get older and as I now
have a friend pregnant with a girl, I think about the fact that I’m never going
to have that mother to daughter bond.
I already don’t have a sister and I’ll never have that
special bond. I have relationships with
women and I have a couple that are very special, but I feel like I missed out
on the sisterhood thing. Now I think
about how I am missing out on the mother-daughter relationship/bond. One of the best parts of my life is my
relationship with my mom. I don’t think
there is another human being in my life with whom I have the depth of that bond. Don’t get me wrong, the bond with my dad is
also deep and strong, but different than that daughter to mother thing. We grew up together and we went through that
time when I was a terrible teenager and we grew apart and then returned
stronger and continue to grow stronger and closer with every year. It saddens me to know that there are women
out there who don’t have that because it’s a beautiful and very necessary thing
for me.
I just have a piece of me that wishes I could experience
that special relationship from the other end and feel the joy of watching a
little girl grow up, become a woman, discover her life, marry, have her own
children. I think this will always be a
piece of sadness in my heart. It’s
small, but it is there.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
On Writing
Should I grab a handful of nicely sharpened pencils? Maybe a nice gel rollerball .7mm pen would do
the trick - blue ink? Purple? Of course, there is always
the keyboard. If I use the keyboard do I
open Word or head straight to a blog or what the heck, the Facebook? But, really, there is nothing like the smell
and feel of a brand new journal just screaming to be written in. Especially if it has a soft leather cover. I dream of the first letters hitting the clean page...
To write or type?
Paper or computer?
Maybe I’ll write once I figure that out.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Stupid People.... Well, People I Think Are Stupid.
I'm kind of pissed off about something.
So, I'm listening to this book right now... I'll get to that part later because I really want to write about the book and how it makes me feel. But, what's got me annoyed is Amazon.com reviews.
So, I had a hard time with the beginning of the book because it started a little slow and I was tempted to just quit it, but something made me keep going and I'm glad that I did. But about half way through it I started thinking about how I was going to review it, what I wanted to say, etc. That got me thinking about what other people might be saying and I thought, "I bet there are a lot of negative reviews" just because of the fact that it's not a very fast paced book and it's a memoir, so the subject matter is personal to the author and all about the author. I couldn't wait until I was done and instead went and checked out the reviews and I was right... a LOT of negatives. I have no problem with people not liking the same things that I like. But what irritates me is the fact that people write negative reviews about something because they don't even understand WHAT they were reading in the first place. They can write a negative review, but write it because the writing is bad or you found the story boring or slow, not because you didn't bother to read the dust jacket to find out what you were going to read.
What I mean is that if you pick up a book, in this case a MEMOIR because you liked the NOVEL that the author wrote and then feel ripped off because it's not a novel and the author has the audacity to write about themselves... well, what the hell is wrong with you? You're just stupid. YOU don't have the right to write a negative review because someone chose to write a different type of book then you wanted to read and YOU read it anyway! Literally, one person said, "I was consumed by these details at Ann's age, too, but certainly don't want to read about anyone else's decisions." THEN WHY ARE YOU READING A MEMOIR?
Let's look at what a memoir is: "Memoir (from French: mémoire: memoria, meaning memory), is a non-fiction genre. More specifically, it is a collection of memories that an individual writes about moments or events, both public or private that took place in the author's life."
Knowing this is the definition of memoir, why would you choose to read one and then turn around and write a review complaining about the author's "self-absorption". Seriously? Or, how "self-indulgent" the authors are. Um, well, the book is a non-fiction account of the authors' thoughts, feelings, memories from their perspectives on what they considered was a difficult time in their lives. THAT is the premise of the memoir which is clearly stated on the description. One reviewer even complained that it wasn't much of a travelogue. Really? Did you come up with that all on your own? At no point, does anyone say this book was a travelogue. What is nice about it is that we do get to experience some wonderful worldwide sights when they write about their experiences while traveling in Greece and France. But that is a bonus and a nice background to the story, not the purpose of the book.
What really makes me feel angry are the people who hate the book because how dare these two women experience depression or fear or unhappiness in their lives while they get to travel to foreign countries and don't have money problems while other people are suffering home foreclosures and tsunamis. Really? So, because someone else has something negative happen to them it negates someone else's feelings? If you really feel this way, you're an ass It's okay to not like the book. It's okay to not like the writing. It's okay to feel like it's overly depressing or to accept you don't enjoy reading about other people's feelings of depression or inadequacy. But to attack someone for not being poor or dead it pretty awful.
Anyway, I think we've created a world where people's opinions of everything matter too much. Yes, I realize that I am a constant reviewer and opinionator myself, so I guess I'm a hypocrite, but I read a comment by someone on Yelp once that said, maybe if everyone included a blurb as to why they feel they are qualified to review this "fill in the blank", we might get better reviews or at least ignore the ones by people without qualification.
That all said, the book I'm discussing is called Traveling With Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor. It is touching me in strange ways and I will review it when I'm done and I'll talk about it here. Very soon.
That is all. /Rant
So, I'm listening to this book right now... I'll get to that part later because I really want to write about the book and how it makes me feel. But, what's got me annoyed is Amazon.com reviews.
So, I had a hard time with the beginning of the book because it started a little slow and I was tempted to just quit it, but something made me keep going and I'm glad that I did. But about half way through it I started thinking about how I was going to review it, what I wanted to say, etc. That got me thinking about what other people might be saying and I thought, "I bet there are a lot of negative reviews" just because of the fact that it's not a very fast paced book and it's a memoir, so the subject matter is personal to the author and all about the author. I couldn't wait until I was done and instead went and checked out the reviews and I was right... a LOT of negatives. I have no problem with people not liking the same things that I like. But what irritates me is the fact that people write negative reviews about something because they don't even understand WHAT they were reading in the first place. They can write a negative review, but write it because the writing is bad or you found the story boring or slow, not because you didn't bother to read the dust jacket to find out what you were going to read.
What I mean is that if you pick up a book, in this case a MEMOIR because you liked the NOVEL that the author wrote and then feel ripped off because it's not a novel and the author has the audacity to write about themselves... well, what the hell is wrong with you? You're just stupid. YOU don't have the right to write a negative review because someone chose to write a different type of book then you wanted to read and YOU read it anyway! Literally, one person said, "I was consumed by these details at Ann's age, too, but certainly don't want to read about anyone else's decisions." THEN WHY ARE YOU READING A MEMOIR?
Let's look at what a memoir is: "Memoir (from French: mémoire: memoria, meaning memory), is a non-fiction genre. More specifically, it is a collection of memories that an individual writes about moments or events, both public or private that took place in the author's life."
Knowing this is the definition of memoir, why would you choose to read one and then turn around and write a review complaining about the author's "self-absorption". Seriously? Or, how "self-indulgent" the authors are. Um, well, the book is a non-fiction account of the authors' thoughts, feelings, memories from their perspectives on what they considered was a difficult time in their lives. THAT is the premise of the memoir which is clearly stated on the description. One reviewer even complained that it wasn't much of a travelogue. Really? Did you come up with that all on your own? At no point, does anyone say this book was a travelogue. What is nice about it is that we do get to experience some wonderful worldwide sights when they write about their experiences while traveling in Greece and France. But that is a bonus and a nice background to the story, not the purpose of the book.
What really makes me feel angry are the people who hate the book because how dare these two women experience depression or fear or unhappiness in their lives while they get to travel to foreign countries and don't have money problems while other people are suffering home foreclosures and tsunamis. Really? So, because someone else has something negative happen to them it negates someone else's feelings? If you really feel this way, you're an ass It's okay to not like the book. It's okay to not like the writing. It's okay to feel like it's overly depressing or to accept you don't enjoy reading about other people's feelings of depression or inadequacy. But to attack someone for not being poor or dead it pretty awful.
Anyway, I think we've created a world where people's opinions of everything matter too much. Yes, I realize that I am a constant reviewer and opinionator myself, so I guess I'm a hypocrite, but I read a comment by someone on Yelp once that said, maybe if everyone included a blurb as to why they feel they are qualified to review this "fill in the blank", we might get better reviews or at least ignore the ones by people without qualification.
That all said, the book I'm discussing is called Traveling With Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor. It is touching me in strange ways and I will review it when I'm done and I'll talk about it here. Very soon.
That is all. /Rant
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I Want You to Want Me
It kind of cracks me up when I think about how much we need validation... okay, maybe 'we' is a little too much assumption on my part, but last night at an event I heard a guest telling her friends this:
"I think Trish is like my preschool teacher and I get so excited to show her things and be all 'look what I did!' and she tells me, 'Good Job!' and I feel so happy that I made her proud" or something close to that. The hilarious part of this is that I feel the exact same way about Trish. I want her to like me and to tell me I'm doing a good job. A pat on the head would be A-OK.
Who is Trish? Seriously, she's just a woman whose job is to coordinate a very large community of people and to plan awesome events and make sure we all behave in said community but have a great time. I say "just" because in the grand scheme of things, she's just a person that probably shouldn't have that much weight over any of us, but how cute that I'm not the only one that wants her approval and validation.
What is it that makes us feel this need for approval from peers? To the friends and co-workers I surround myself with in my real life, I'm outgoing and kind of a loud mouth and have no problem saying what think and running my mouth and cracking jokes, etc. But, around strangers, I'm a completely different person. I'm shy and nervous. Does this mean I have low self esteem? I don't know. My friends never believe that I'm shy. They tell me to be the spokesperson when at a function and laugh when I tell them I hate public speaking. When I attend these community events, I make myself start conversations with a few people and I actually did develop ONE friendly acquaintance so far, but mostly, I stick with Mr. San Diego and talk to him... because that's easy. There is no pressure talking to your husband. No chance that he's going to dismiss me. No worries that I won't be "cool" enough or "interesting" enough.
Why do I care what strangers think when the people I know and love, love me?
It's one of those great life mysteries, I guess.
"I think Trish is like my preschool teacher and I get so excited to show her things and be all 'look what I did!' and she tells me, 'Good Job!' and I feel so happy that I made her proud" or something close to that. The hilarious part of this is that I feel the exact same way about Trish. I want her to like me and to tell me I'm doing a good job. A pat on the head would be A-OK.
Who is Trish? Seriously, she's just a woman whose job is to coordinate a very large community of people and to plan awesome events and make sure we all behave in said community but have a great time. I say "just" because in the grand scheme of things, she's just a person that probably shouldn't have that much weight over any of us, but how cute that I'm not the only one that wants her approval and validation.
What is it that makes us feel this need for approval from peers? To the friends and co-workers I surround myself with in my real life, I'm outgoing and kind of a loud mouth and have no problem saying what think and running my mouth and cracking jokes, etc. But, around strangers, I'm a completely different person. I'm shy and nervous. Does this mean I have low self esteem? I don't know. My friends never believe that I'm shy. They tell me to be the spokesperson when at a function and laugh when I tell them I hate public speaking. When I attend these community events, I make myself start conversations with a few people and I actually did develop ONE friendly acquaintance so far, but mostly, I stick with Mr. San Diego and talk to him... because that's easy. There is no pressure talking to your husband. No chance that he's going to dismiss me. No worries that I won't be "cool" enough or "interesting" enough.
Why do I care what strangers think when the people I know and love, love me?
It's one of those great life mysteries, I guess.
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm a Shopaholic
I don't know exactly how it happened, but I am a shopaholic. I must stop. I need to pay off my bills, but I cannot resist a hot Betsey Johnson tote or necklace or some cool thing I found on Amazon. Lately I've been playing with Little Black Bag . Every month when I open a bag and start trading, I get totally obsessed. Which is why ONLY ONE BAG PER MONTH. This month I went particularly crazy and actually added extras to my bag, so it got a little pricey, but I got some super gorgey stuff. If you aren't familiar with Little Black Bag, you need to check it out. I warn that it is addicting, but I see it as getting some cute stuff and entertainment at the same time. Hell, I drop $30 just for us to go to see a movie and that only lasts 3 hours... LBB trading lasts SEVEN DAYS! Check it out. I'm going to do a video when I get my new bag so I'll post here and you can see what I mean.
Anyway, I think it's time to turn over a new leaf. The question is, can I? I don't know. I hope so. Because I would love to get my debt out of the way and start working for retirement instead of to pay off bills.
Out. Gotta go check my Little Black Bag to see what I ended up with... my seven days JUST ENDED.
Anyway, I think it's time to turn over a new leaf. The question is, can I? I don't know. I hope so. Because I would love to get my debt out of the way and start working for retirement instead of to pay off bills.
Out. Gotta go check my Little Black Bag to see what I ended up with... my seven days JUST ENDED.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Patchouli
Here.
Let me help you out.
It is NOT 1968 and YOU are not a hippy.
Quit wearing patchouli!
Because, first of all, IT IS NOT 1968 AND YOU ARE NOT A HIPPY and second of all, that SHIT STINKS! BLECH!
Especially you!
You're a doctor for God's sakes. Quit trying to act like you're all young and cool. Because you're not and for that matter patchouli is NOT COOL. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Let me help you out.
It is NOT 1968 and YOU are not a hippy.
Quit wearing patchouli!
Because, first of all, IT IS NOT 1968 AND YOU ARE NOT A HIPPY and second of all, that SHIT STINKS! BLECH!
Especially you!
You're a doctor for God's sakes. Quit trying to act like you're all young and cool. Because you're not and for that matter patchouli is NOT COOL. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Blogosphere Goes On and On and On...
For some bizarre reason, I still get stats updates from Sitemeter on my old ATF Blog. Whoo... one person stumbled across that raggedy old page. Hilarious. But it made me click over there to see what's there.
Looking at it all I thought, "hey, I'm going to try all of these links here to blogs I used to read and see if any of them are still there". Well, most of them aren't. Many are now in other languages, some are ads, some are just gone, but there are a couple still alive and some that were alive but have drifted away over the course of the last year or so. It's strange. As I click on the links I remember things about these blogs or bloggers. Much fun I had reading about other peoples lives. Some funny. Some touching. It was my entertainment for a long time. From doing this little experiment, I've re-discovered a couple, but now I've even found some new ones.
I like it.
Looking at it all I thought, "hey, I'm going to try all of these links here to blogs I used to read and see if any of them are still there". Well, most of them aren't. Many are now in other languages, some are ads, some are just gone, but there are a couple still alive and some that were alive but have drifted away over the course of the last year or so. It's strange. As I click on the links I remember things about these blogs or bloggers. Much fun I had reading about other peoples lives. Some funny. Some touching. It was my entertainment for a long time. From doing this little experiment, I've re-discovered a couple, but now I've even found some new ones.
I like it.
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