A Bad Habit?

I want to "LIKE" everything.  The Facebook has conditioned me to want this.  It doesn't matter where I am on the Internet, but if I can't "LIKE" something I actually do like, I feel frustrated and let down.  The Stupid Facebook.

Once Again, People Disappoint Me!

And another month rolls by...   I truly love writing.  I mean, I love it so much that even my emails become unwieldy.  I could never tweet because I don't think enough characters would be allowed for how much I'd feel like I needed to say.  But with all of this, I'm averaging ONE POST PER MONTH here.  WHAT?

DAILY, I think about writing here and I actually write posts in my head, but there seems to be so little free time to just WRITE.  I'm usually so busy when I get on the computer.  So then I DO get here and what do I write about?  The fact that I'm not writing.

I know.

Makes no sense to me, either.

But, in addition to my confession of being a sucky blogger, I do have a BIT of a rant.

Why do people want so much to focus on the negative?  I guess it's good that I pretty much write this only for me and no one else reads it, because I think I would be a little crushed if 5000 people commented on something I wrote calling me a hypocrite and a loser and a bad mother (um, I'm not ACTUALLY a mom or anything), etc.  Yesterday, I read that "gone viral" post by a mom who was just doing a little post to her blog about some of the young girls her sons were connected to on the Facebook posting inappropriate selfies.  It was her way of talking about how she felt about this and then she posted pictures of her family at the beach, which meant they were in swim suits.  People FREAKED out.  Seriously, this lady did not write an article on how teenage girls were the downfall of humanity for USA Today or anything like that.  She simply wrote a post about her family and their values and basically a warning to these girls about how damaging posts like this can be for you and your relationships and your future.  I thought it was well written and made perfect sense and her family photos were fun and wholesome.  Yet people acted like she was the devil incarnate come here to TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE AND HOW TO THINK and how she was such a hypocrite because she posted photos of her family in bathing suits.

People.  Seriously.  STOP.

You people look and sound stupid.  It's a blog post by a mom.  Get over it and quit trying to find a reason to get all hateful and attack someone.  What is wrong with people's lives that they can't just live and let live.  If you don't like what the lady blogs about, DON'T READ IT!

We are so lucky to be a world made up of individuals with the ability to think independently and with the right to our own opinions.  Oh, do not get me wrong.  I JUDGE.  Oh yes, I do.  I acknowledge that I am judgmental about some things.  I definitely disagree with how some people live their lives or raise their children, but guess what.  I SUCK IT UP.  Even when it's my own family that does stupid shit.  Because taking care of ourselves is seriously hard enough.  It is not my job, nor should it be, to try to change others to my way of thinking.  I even get angry about things I think are inappropriate.  I might even comment on news articles with my opinions.

But, if this lady wants to raise her family in way that includes using the Internet together and talking about what their family feels is and is not appropriate, then by golly, go for it.  I actually find that quite refreshing in these days and times.  I can pretty much guarantee you that there is a lot she believes that I DO NOT.  This just happens to be something I agree with her on.  But, even if I don't agree, does that make it okay to swoop in and attack someone because they want to live their life and bring up their kids in a way I disagree with?  WTF?  I am going to go with a resounding "no".

So bizarre and hateful and that is what scares me.  Why do people immediately go on the offensive and feel attacked just because someone has a different opinion then them?  Some of my own friends were going off on this and I have to admit, it kind of changed my opinion of them, because while I admit to being judgmental myself at times, I would hope that I would not go on the attack like this. For the most part I feel like I have an EXTREMELY open mind and I know it is crazy to expect others to have the same, but there are some out there that I DO expect that of so when they don't, I can only think.. "WHO ARE YOU?" You know, as I think about it and as I write this I realize that while it's hard to do, these attackers have offended me.  Their behavior is offensive for several reasons.  First, why is their opinion more important than hers?  Second, they read paragraphs between the lines of her quite straightforward post... why would you have to LOOK for it to mean more than it does? Third, how is posting scathing or downright hateful comments make you a better person than this mom who just cares about her children and is raising her family the way SHE thinks is best?

I hope that she and her family use this as fodder for their family talks and not let it get to them.  I am SO happy that she has not taken down the post or the photos because there is nothing wrong or offensive with either and I applaud her.

SO THERE.

I Burn

When August rolls around, I seriously get twitchy thinking about all the burners heading to Black Rock City.  I know that someday I will be back.  I WANT to go back.  I DREAM of going back.  It’s just not possible yet.  I’m a second year burner who hasn’t made that second year yet.  One of the most transformative events in my life sticks to my brain and makes me dream of doing it again; of experiencing the feeling of freedom and love again – the one you just don’t feel in the real world.

I’m sure there are people who jack up their burn, maybe even jack it up for others, but the MAJORITY of them are there for the same reason.  To groove on the total amazing collective FREEDOM.  THAT IS WHO I WANT TO BE.  I want to say that is who I am, but the truth is it is who I want to be.  So I tell the truth.

Oh August, you bring me such pain and such hope and such longing for the playa.

LONGING.

to burn.

My Trust in Humanity is Bouncing Like a Ball

I’ve been feeling really angry.  I was involved in a very minor car accident in which I was rear ended.  The damage is very slight, but I want to get it fixed of course.  I have a fairly new car and there is no reason to drive around with it wrecked.  At the time of the accident, I exchanged information with the person who hit me.  He seemed nice – I’ve been fooled before – but he was right out of the gate apologizing and providing me with his info, so I figured “let’s just get this done and get out of here”.  We were in an unsafe place on the side of the freeway and I’ve waited for police before on an accident and it can take HOURS for someone to show up, so we went on our way.

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that this guy was going to be a lying pile of crap just like the last four people who caused accidents involving ME.  But, of course, he did in fact lie to his insurance company, who subsequently denied my claim.  My insurance company, of course, believes me so they denied his claim.  The next step is I have to get my car fixed and pay my $500 deductible so that they can go to arbitration to determine who is at fault.  If I lose there, then I will have to go to small claims court.  Of course, if someone is willing to commit insurance fraud, why would they worry about a little thing called perjury?  But I am not sitting back and taking this.  I’m going to fight with all I have because this A-hole is a morally repugnant bad hearted person and needs to be held accountable for his actions.  I’m not just talking about the accident.  I mean it was an accident.  It happens.  I was nice then and would have been all along if he hadn’t lied outright about what happened.

The point of this story is to give you ONE of the reasons why I’ve been so angry with people and society in general.  I’ve been feeling like people just have no heart or soul.  I do not claim to be special or amazingly God-like or anything, but I’m a good person and I try not to lie unless it’s a little white one to make someone feel better, you know?  In general, I think I’m a good person.  I’ve just been feeling lately like there aren’t many of us out there and it’s disheartening.

Something happened today that helped to give me my hope back.  Last week, I emailed my co-workers to let them know about our janitor’s wife who is suffering from cancer and chemo right now.  I told them I was going to put together a goody basket of comforting items to give her and said if anyone was interested in donating anything, I’d be appreciative.  I have to say that I was happily shocked as money has been pouring in all day.  Okay, I asked for gifts for a basket, but money… that works, too!  It’s just a wonderful feeling that these people who I probably don’t’ give enough credit would come forward like this for a stranger.  My heart is swollen today with pride in my co-workers.  Sometimes I accuse them of being cheap bastards, but today, today they showed me that many of them have huge hearts and THAT is a great feeling.

Tech Hell...

I am down one laptop.   Since I only have one laptop.  I'm virtually computerless.  It's HORRIBLE.  Okay, maybe it's good to have a little break, but so much of my life revolves around my computer!  AND, I wanted to track my upcoming vacation by posting pictures from our adventures as they happened.  THAT won't be happening.

It is time to buy a new one, I'm just a little short of money at the moment.  I'll have to wait a month.  UGH.

END WHINY POINTLESS POST.

MAY: Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  I take this really seriously because I feel like so many people just don't understand mental health issues and how they affect people.  When you think about how someone has no right to be depressed or sad or wonder what is wrong with someone who “has it all” and is acting that way, please stop.  Stop and think about that fact that sometimes there isn't an explanation.  Stop and remember that money does not buy happiness.  Stop and think about our diverse world with diverse people and how everyone is NOT LIKE YOU.  Some people suffer from mental health conditions that take over their whole lives.  You don’t have to understand it, but you do have to accept that some people don’t have the same coping mechanism as another person.  Some people have biologically based problems that affect their brains; we are all different and we all have different problems and we all react to those problems differently. 

Instead of blaming, attacking, being angry at, or dismissing those people with Mental Health problems, find out what you can do to help.  Help them to help themselves.  Understand that we can’t understand everything, but we can support the people we love.  Expecting someone to “snap out of it” or “use their head” or “get a grip” is not helpful.  Instead help someone find resources that might be able to find a way to live that is productive and happy.  They are not choosing to feel this way!

I experienced depression at a point in my life when I was feeling very sad with the direction I was going in.  It was a short period and not a life sentence for me.  Medication and therapy worked wonders for me.  It's not that simple for most people who suffer from biological mental health problems.  I was lucky.

Here are some organizations that can help with understanding mental health:

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

The World Health Organization

And so you can get an idea how regular people live with tough problems every day, here are a few blogs I've found helpful, touching, thought-provoking, etc.  They are just people doing the best they can and it takes great courage to share such personal things with the world.  But if it helps them or others I'm happy to have the opportunity to read them and share them - they are an inspiration.

Purple Persuasion

Dooce.com

Depression Marathon

Day in the Life of a Busy Gal...

Broken Saints

Getting Old?

I think so many thoughts and have so many ideas of things I want to write here.  Usually, these thinks take place while driving.  By the time I make it to my computer, I'm a complete blank.

Do you think this means I'm just getting old?  Or is what I have to say so boring even I forget it?

Oops

It just dawned on me that I swore I wasn't going to get too personal this time.  I feel myself getting personal.

I'll try to be better.

"These Are Some of the People..." (stealing lyrics)

I was listening to Wendell Lee by Jill Sobule and it made me start thinking of all of the people I've loved before I got here.  I guess they all prepared me for being Mrs. San Diego, but I have to admit that some of them are an embarrassment and others I kind of miss!  Seriously, I was digging deep here.

I guess you could call me one of those girls who was totally boy crazy.  I remember chasing the boys around the schoolyard all the way back in Kindergarten!  Or were they chasing me?  Not sure... either way, I think it was a real set up for the rest of my life.  YIKES.  But thinking back there were definitely some significant others in my life who broke my heart, taught me bad habits and changed my life.

I laughed when I remembered being like 14 and head over heels for a younger boy who now I only remember as Vince.... what the heck was his last name???   That was probably my first broken heart when he moved away while I was in the throes of first love.  Don't get me wrong, in Jr. High, there was both David, who was really more my friend than anything and who is still my friend today and then Jay... dreamy Jay.  I still regret breaking up with that boy.  Man, I saw him years later and drooled.  But, I had to break up with him just in case he was going to break up with me!  I was 12, darn it!

Later, while I pined for Craig, I was stuck with Kevin.  Kevin who taught me how to drink beer so that he would drink less and how to fight back.  Oh, the bad choices we make... but, what lessons learned for the rest of my life.

Then there was Richard.  I knew him since I was 7.  At 17, I fell in love with him.  At 19 I moved in with him, at 22 I married him and at 24 I divorced him.  C'est la vie...  Another lesson learned and the beginning of my adulthood, a very wild beginning I might add.  I celebrated divorce with four very crazy months and then settled into a new relationship.

Billy was great.  We moved in together and I dug his way...  looking back it all feels a little phony now, but I thought he was oh so enlightened.  He was very different than anyone I had ever been with or around before - he wrote me a poem, damn it!  I learned a lot from him.  Then he became a girl, so there's that.

There were a few dalliances before That Dan came into the picture.  I'm pretty sure, although I can't swear 100%, that what I felt was lust and not love, but there was something there and it was all angsty and emotional.  I was angry and hurt from past relationships and thought I was tough as nails and able to have a casual relationship. But he woke something up and made me realize that I wasn't all as damaged as I thought I was.  Just in time, too...

Because, then Mr. San Diego started looking interesting.  I'd known him for years and became quite good friends, but more???   Scary on so many levels.  Who knew he'd be the love of my life, my soul mate and the person that would fit me the best.  Don't get me wrong, he has his faults, but marrying him was good for me and good for him and we're awesome together.

So, I guess I have a crazy past, but all of those experiences got me here.  Some people have one love their whole life.  I have had many.  I can't say which is better, but I can say that I like where I am and who I am, so for me... this worked.  So, like Jill.... "These are some of the people, that I, I went out with before I met you. These are some of the people that I thought would be the one..."

But it was you.

Mama Love

I’m never going to have a daughter.  I’m so past the having kids thing in life and I’m very happy not having kids, but sometimes I think about it.  Sometimes I think, “I’m never going to experience motherhood, never going to have a baby in my belly, never going to experience the agony of birth and the joy of holding my baby for the first time”.  But, as I get older and as I now have a friend pregnant with a girl, I think about the fact that I’m never going to have that mother to daughter bond. 

I already don’t have a sister and I’ll never have that special bond.  I have relationships with women and I have a couple that are very special, but I feel like I missed out on the sisterhood thing.  Now I think about how I am missing out on the mother-daughter relationship/bond.  One of the best parts of my life is my relationship with my mom.  I don’t think there is another human being in my life with whom I have the depth of that bond.  Don’t get me wrong, the bond with my dad is also deep and strong, but different than that daughter to mother thing.  We grew up together and we went through that time when I was a terrible teenager and we grew apart and then returned stronger and continue to grow stronger and closer with every year.  It saddens me to know that there are women out there who don’t have that because it’s a beautiful and very necessary thing for me.

I just have a piece of me that wishes I could experience that special relationship from the other end and feel the joy of watching a little girl grow up, become a woman, discover her life, marry, have her own children.  I think this will always be a piece of sadness in my heart.  It’s small, but it is there.